Sunday, February 27, 2011

In loving Memory of my Grandpa Eddie, My emotions and feelings.

To my lovely readers,

This blog I write here is more for my Family and Friends to understand whats going through this difficult time I welcome anyone to read. This past week I lost someone I loved and cared about the past oh many years. I lost my step grandpa on February 22, 2011. It has been a difficult loss for me in the inside more than showing it on the outside.

Eddie has been in our lives for a long time even before I knew who he was, and when he starting hanging around more after I lost my grandpa I called him the man in the hat. He always wore his cowboy hat and beige leather jacket. He soon became closer to our family and he was another best friend around the house. He and my grandma got married December 4, 2004 and he became family, I asked him that night if I could call him grandpa sometimes and he told me he would love that. I didn't get to call him grandpa much but I considered him a grandpa. The past couple years have been hard with his health he having Alzheimer's disease and I believe blockage in his leg causing amputation. As time went buy he slowly started losing his memory and he asked my name each time I said hi to him. I didn't give up, I told him my name each time and I sat with him when he was at the table to listen to him talk. He sometimes would talk about the Korean war he was in and it felt like he just came back telling me what happened I enjoyed it a lot. The past 4 months He started getting a little worse and I prepared myself for the worse ahead of time. Making sure I told him goodbye if he was awake and gave him sweet kissed on his forehead. His reply would always be "thank you" ALWAYS!

When the worse came my heart stopped and the pain throbbed through my body as if someone had stabbed me a 100 times all over. I controlled my emotions soon after and hid my pain to help my family. I am one less person they need to be sobbing all over the place. With months of preparing for pain I have a grip on my emotions being strong for my loved ones holding in my tears to wipe the tears of others.

My selfish mind could only think "I lost my last grandpa" it has taken me 4 years to heal from losing my umpa(grandpa) I am not even fully healed I still cry at night missing him. If I am not healed from losing him how can I heal from losing my Eddie? I am an emotional wreck pretending like everything is okay. I know not everyone has grandpa's but I envy the ones who still do. I wish their grandpa was mine just so I can feel that grandpa love. I know all three of my grandpa's love me in heaven, but I am a selfish brat that wants my grandpa to be right next to me, give me kisses on my forehead, call me mija, and tell me they love me every time I see them.

My inner emotions haven't been let out yet and they are just building up inside waiting to be let out. I know tomorrow when I see him for the last time I might break down but I know I will have my family their to wipe my tears and give me love to help me get through it. I hope I prepared myself enough to help me get through these next two days without breaking into pieces.

It's been a little hard on the family because the day he passed (Feb 22, 2011) was the anniversary of my grandpa's passing (Feb 22, 1995?) Those silly billy's were best friends and were in the Korean war and worked together in the steel mill. They almost shared a birthday just a month apart and a few years. They both lost a leg due to health (same leg) and they both loved my grandma. So he had to go the same day. My grandma tells us her story of the moment he was alive and it breaks my heart into pieces each time. My grandma visited him that tuesday morning and he wanted to give my grandma a kiss so she leaned in and gave him one, he reached for her hand they held hands, and he smiled he closed his eyes while my grandma closed hers sitting next him. He passed away in his sleep. I am thankful she got to say goodbye, I wish i could have gotten one more goodbye in while he was alive but I couldn't but I know that the last time he was awake and I saw him I said goodbye.

I have been wearing my grandpa's neckless to keep me strong and remember the night he walked into my room when my uncle passed he told me "crying makes a beautiful face look sour, we have to remember that he is heaven partying next to Jesus and he has no more pain" he' wiped my tears away and gave me a kiss on my forehead and said goodnight. it made no sense to me then and I cried myself to sleep. Today his words make sense to me and have helped me be strong. I have to remember he has no more Alzheimer's disease, he has both legs, and he is smiling and having a good time up there with my grandpa and all his loved ones.

Please keep my family in your prayers these next couple days to give them strength as we go through this difficult time.

This blog has helped me in so many ways, I cried the tears I have been holding in, I told my emotions, and I have shared that life is precious and we aren't here forever. If you have a grandpa please give him a kiss and tell them you love them. If you don't have one with you anymore tell them you love them in your prayers. I have told all three I love them today.

In Loving Memory of my Grandpa Eddie

I dedicate this song: On Eagles Wings.

<3 Silvia

Ps. Towards the end of writing this blog I heard a noise outside my door and it was a man saying "meow" when I got up to check no one was there. It was my Eddie Spaghetti telling me he's okay because I felt comfort right after.